This article is about helping parents and caregivers understand children better. It offers ideas and tips to help them know how to communicate when their children are having problems. The article is written to help stem the tide of violence and bullying in schools.

CHILDREN TEACH WHAT THEY LEARN: WHY PEACE EDUCATION IS CRUCIAL

The idea for this article came about due to my presentations on the same subject at many conferences. This subject is not only timely, it is also necessary that we find ways to work as a community to create a culture of peace. For it is not only in being able to nurture our inner child that we grow, but simultaneously we become more sensitive to the needs of the children that are placed in our care; be they students, friends, relatives or our own children.

The United Nations theme for this decade is “Creating A Culture Of Peace.” This is also the theme of the Men’s International Peace Exchange (MIPE), which is an organization of men and women whose primary goal is to render men less violent by working with them to become more peaceful. In order to accomplish this goal, women are also involved in these efforts, since it has been the behavior of both sexes which has created many of the problems we have faced individually and collectively. This is why we now face a critical juncture which calls for us to impart a greater wisdom to our offspring. It is my hope that this article will inspire you to practice alternative child-rearing techniques that result in a more joyful parent/child experience, especially in difficult times.

When we speak or write about role modeling behavior for our future generation, we must take a serious look at all the violence which has come out of the last hundred years, and wonder how far we have come. Do you find that your parents’ child-rearing methods were successful? Do you find yourself repeating some of the harmful behaviors with your own children? How can we help to role model nonviolent behavior if we were never taught how to do so? The biblical admonition that the sins of the fathers are visited upon the children changes now. We know that behavior can be changed. If adults learn how to practice healthy behavior, especially in their interpersonal relationships, then children can model that behavior versus all the violence they see around them. To create this culture of peace requires that we also resolve our problems without resorting to emotional or verbal abuse. Thus, allowing children to express what they are angry about provides a safe, emotional outl!
et for them, and there is no need to repress feelings.

The National Association for the Education of Young Children out of Washington, D.C. (NAEYC) has wonderful age-appropriate videos and pamphlets on the healthy expression of anger and discipline. It’s important to recognize that anger is a normal human emotion. The gift of anger is that it lets us know something needs to be changed. While we can’t change others, we can create safe boundaries for ourselves by not engaging in verbal and psychological struggles. It’s all a matter of asking for what we need. If someone is not willing to cooperate, take a break from each other for a mutually agreed upon period of time. Then, when you have cooled down, be willing to negotiate a good time for both of you to be able to dialogue. Can you imagine what the world would look like if children role modeled this healthy behavior to their caregivers?

Obviously, this new behavior is a reciprocal process between two or more individuals. All it takes is one person to practice new behavior in order for the old behavior to change. While this requires diligent persistence on our part, we can’t go back to business as usual, simply because of the violence that has heretofore damaged so many innocent lives. Studies have shown that even though pre-verbal children can’t express how they feel via words, they do understand everything that is being said to them. Equally important is that you let a child know that you understand how they feel, even if you don’t agree with it. Very often, we have seen teachers and parents do just the opposite. We have all witnessed adults out of control, screaming at a child, saying “No, you can’t do that,” and then perhaps they even hit or slap the child. This sends a message to the child that it is OK for them to scream and hit. Consequently, we cannot tell children one thing and do another. !
As children get older, some experts have suggested that, in certain cases, it is a good idea to mimic or imitate their misbehavior so they can see how ludicrous it is.

If we truly hope to be a more enlightened species, what we do from now on will create the climate for positive change. One component of constructive anger is to let other people know what it is about their behavior that makes you angry. Since we know that behavior is learned, we can attack the problem and not the person by stating “It hurts me when you….” “It bothers me when you….” Or “I’m really not comfortable when you….” And “I need to let you know that I am angry about….” Using phrases such as these set up non-abusive communications. I bring out the aspect of verbal abuse, because it is an area that has not been given enough attention. Why do we assume it is OK to say anything we want to another person? Don’t we all wish to be respected? Don’t children deserve the opportunity to give and receive respect as well?

Children like to be involved in making their own decisions and not always being told what to do. When you offer them a choice, you are giving them an opportunity to make decisions for themselves and to accept the responsibility and consequences that go along with their choices. By doing this, both children and adults are capable of achieving a greater self-awareness. As a rule of thumb, it is a good idea to set flexible parameters when dealing with issues of conflict. In addition, voice tone reveals how you feel. I am reminded of the story of a person who tried to fool his dog by telling the dog in a nice way that he was very bad. Of course, the dog didn’t know the difference because the voice quality and pitch were associated with good behavior. We can’t use these behaviors with children.

One avenue of exploration in peace education with children that has seen some success is teaching them the benefits of meditation and dream work. By helping them to develop their psycho-spiritual nature, they are given another opportunity to view conflicts in a positive light. For example, sixth-grade children kept a dream journal for a one-week period. During this week, part of their class time was devoted to sharing their dreams and interpretations. This work has also been very successful with adults in Jungian psychology, as in intervention method for severe conflict. When both children and adults become aware of alternative ways to solve problems, new perceptions are created. Thus, a glass of water can be seen as half-full or half-empty, and it would be OK to have both views. You can agree to disagree and still respect another’s idea. After a while, you will notice that you get tired of arguing. The sheer drain of energy it takes to maintain conflict makes you w!
ant to get over it and move on. Eventually, your repertoire of problem-solving skills will be creative and productive. You will be generating helpful solutions that can be passed on to others.

As Robert Fulghum so simply illustrates in “All I Ever Really Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten:

“…Share everything. Play fair. Don’t hit people. Put things back where you found them. Clean up your own mess. Don’t take things that aren’t yours. Say you’re sorry when you hurt somebody…Live a balanced life….When you go out into the world, watch for traffic, hold hands and stick together….Remember the little seed in the plastic cup. The roots go down and the plants go up, and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that….The golden rule and love and basic sanitation. Ecology and politics and sane living….Or if we had a basic policy in our nation and other nations to always put things back where we found them and clean up our own messes. And it is still true, no matter how old you are, when you go out into the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together.”

In closing, my advice is to be cognizant of how you interact with everyone, especially children, since they are so impressionable, and they will be the future leaders of the next generation. If you need help, don’t be afraid to ask. Perhaps this will be the generation that truly will know war no more, starting with no more domestic violence wars.

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